@ur PrE-wEdDing photos

After waiting so long and eagerly, finally we could manage 2 take our pre wedding photos together...before this we have some fighting due to divert opinions and feelings...however, with our hard effort, we could finally make it too..

The process of shooting was fun..even though is very tiring but i feel that i worth it especially the outdoor shooting...we both can feel that it is so precious that we could make it together...while for me, i feel that so unbelievable that the wedding gown that i wish 2 wear on it so long is really on me...so unbelievable...most important is when my hubby told me tat he feel so fortunate having me as his wife even warmer my heart...

Looking at our self-taking photo, i am kind of vain, feel that i really pretty in wedding gowns..i really have to appreciate this because it is only once in a lifetime and it is so meaningful..holding the hand of your love one and walk along the whole life with the same pace and path...Like one of our friends wish us "BAI TOU XIE LAO"...i will always keep this in mind..it is not easy to maintain a marriage life..both parties have to sacrifice...i will remember the wedding photo shooting moment for my whole life...and learn to appreciate everything that is given by GOD...

my C@mplicated FeElings

i am supposed to be very happy and excited...my wedding is getting nearer..but due to the sudden incident...my mom was diagnosed to have breast cancer...suddenly i feel i lost of any interest in my wedding preparation...it is true that i couldn't accept the fact and always think negatively and the worst...in my mind, i will be thinking...will my mom accept the fact?? in my wedding, how people will look at her?? does she still a complete woman?? then i will think about myself...will i get this also?? any possibility that i need to undergo all these too?? hubby told me that why i like to think ahead which things not yet happen...why i always like to react like this and make people worry....for me..i feel that i am thinking of that because i want to make myself mentally prepared for that, which there is possibility to be happened...but now...i know..i know that it is time to force myself to learn to think positively...to accept everything..i know GOD is testing..i am pleading you...i will accept what you have planned in my life...but please reduce it the the minimum...i will try my very best to plant the good deed, i wish the good deed will get fine return to my family members...i want everyone in my family.everyone i love is safe and healthy...it is not under my control..it is in your hand...i really wish too..

since i was small, i always feel that i am very fortunate..i was born with love, after i grow up i always being showered by love...love from parents, boyfriend then husband..although not 100% perfect but at least i am blissful and that is more than enough...of course in a human life...there must have up and down...no matter how beautiful is your life...there sure have some cracks along the way..i believe that this is the time for me to learn to do mend the crack, learn to grow up..and the most important thing is learn to appreciate and learn to love and to be loved...after having few days of nonsense thing day...which i make myself like a 'soulless' body...my brain always loitering somewhere until i don't know what i was doing...i find fought with hubby..i think it is the way i wish to find a way to get rid of everything...we fight, quarrel, debate and cry finally....and also finally we express our true feeling...only through this channel i get out from the evil...i eventually understand one thing, no matter what is happening, what had happened..i am not alone...no matter how hard is the life...it sure will pass..that is why everyday i the school i am teaching the children past tense, present tense, and future tense...things already happened and it already become past tense..i shouldn't always look back and think of it..the most important thing is present..present tense...last time i like to think about future tense..but i think for the time being..i won't...future tense....i will wait until reach that future time only i think of that..like pa's saying...ships reach the harbour automatically will go straight...everyone is standing by with me..i have nothing to worry about...

in any relationship...not only just share happiness and sadness..and one must be persevere in holding the relationship.....because of my evil and devil and dumbly thinking, i like to think anf feel nonsense...GOD is fair..He always want to train me to become a real person..but He afraid that i couldn't take it..hence, he puts me to be my father's daughter..whom will always protect me from any harm..he appoints my hubby to stay with me no matter how nonsense, how stupid, how stubborn i am..no matter how much, how deep i hurt him, he will always be with me..bear with me...just sometime i just couldnt control my mind..i am just like that...after find fight with him...after quarrel with him...uncounsciously there is a strong energy awakening deep in my heart...suddenly i really feel relief, feel fresh, vigorous and new...now...i need to be brave..i need to help my mom..but not in the opposite they help me...and i shouldn't let this ruin my life, my blissful marriage...i should let everything run as normal, as it is supposed to be...no matter how hard is the life currently, anytime, anyday it will pass, then the new day come...i want to build my family..my normal and blissful family..i want my baby to come to this new world..i want shower them with love as what love that being showered to be so long...i believed i can make it..i am a super mother and wife..and teh most important thing is, i am not always alone...my hubby will sure always to be there with me... and wont allow any bad thing happen to be also...i am thankful that i find fought with him,,then only i realised how much he loves me...how me he could tolerate with me...how much he wish to protect me from everything..just like my father...and maybe my father has got a guy that he could believe and hand over me to him...and then at this moment only my mom sick...maybe that is the men's job to protect their lovely women in their whole life..never end..

To my hubby..i duno what to say anymore..to maintain a marriage it really need a lot of determination and perseverance..just want to say thank you...for still supporting me and bear with me all the time..i love you..

i miss u

so fast i am back to Sabah again after 10 days holidays at home...love will really bond any lovers no matter where you go..at first i never think of go back home...but because too miss him, miss his love, his kiss and his hug i finally made decision to go back home...another reason to go back was i was so eager to see the limited collection wedding gowns...

10 days were so short for me...only few days he accompanied me...but for sure it really sweet..i enjoy spending time with him...he really understand me very much...that day i bought mangoes and wait for him to come back home from work only we enjoy the mangoes...who know my brother without asking my permission finished all the mangoes..he knows i like the mangoes very much and he purposely waited till have pasar malam and brought me there to buy me the mangoes..in fact deep in my heart, i feel so touched for his care and love.

when we were in the bridal house...i feel so happy and eager 2 fit all the wedding gowns...funny things happened..all the wedding i couldnt fit in...i was scolding is it all the brides are so skinny...which means i need to diet so hard in order to become skinny chick to fit all those wedding gowns..i just try my best to lose weight lah...when i was wearing the gowns, in my heart i was imagining he will be shocked and amazed seeing me wearing the gowns and become his bride..but to my surprise, he didnt really sit there anxiously expecting me wearing the gowns to show him..in fact he complained why all the gowns did not look really nice on me...we were making fun because all the gowns can only zip till the waist..after that cant move up anymore..really sad..hopefully after alter the gowns, my hubby really amazed and astonished looking at me...

The day when i need to come back Sabah..i really feel so hard to live apart from him...in fact, sometimes i really thank God for seperating us for awhile...because we both used to more appreciate each other and the fire spurt up even strong and hot...hahaha...the journey straight back to nabawan really crack my bones..but because of him, i am willing to come back late even though bit tiring...one more second i can spend with him i also feel is worth it...hopefully after God have tested us our love and bond, and we have passed the love test, he is willing to send me back to him as soon as possible...we both are waiting for that moment...and for sure we will appreciate each other more than ever...

i miss him..

Very soon, I am teaching in Sabah for half of year. Before this, I never think of that I can adapt this kampong like without my hubby. But I still miss him. I started to learn how to enjoy the life here and maintain our relationship through phone, msn, 3G and webcam. When we can see each other on screen, undeniable the feeling of missing each other getting stronger, however, we feel that we both are close to each other. It is more than enough. Chinese new Year just passed and another new year, new hope is coming. This year I still get to take angpow and I thought next year I still have chance to take one more time.

But there is one weekend I got shock and so hard to settle down when I got to know that my mother in law wish us to get married end of this year. One thing I worry most is about money. I always wish I have a memorable wedding. But my best friend had wakened me up. In one couple life, the most memorable thing is that we are being recognized as husband and wife. This is the most blissful n merry moment. Even I had a very grand and memorable wedding, but if m future married life is not blissful is not meaningful also. My best buddies were surprised when got to know I am going to get married. They were so excited and happy for me. Well, at first thought that next year only I are going to have the wedding but since next year is believed to be not so good year and a fierce year. Rather than taking a risk, I am happy and excited to have the wedding day end of this year. Even simple, I think now I don’t mind already. Otherwise, have to wait till 2011. While I believe that if still delay our relationship will halt at one pace and become dull. That time will become very dull in the relationship. When we reach certain stage, we need new thing to spark up the relationship.

Honestly , I always dream how my wedding looks like. What is in my mind is not very grand wedding. But my wedding crowded with many people and relatives. My 6 yrs university buddies who are all happy of my belonging. Their wishes are so meaningful to me. I think I will become very happy and grateful for their coming and having a real good husband. But I still wish llike what is the movie, how d guy propose to the wife in a very romantic environment, in our case, we both just agree and so naturally and unconsciously plan the wedding before he has chance to propose to me. One silly question in my mind, if already ready for the wedding then only propose, will it be as romantic as what is in the movie? If no proposal like lacking something. Well, maybe I am too demanding.

For the time being, we were busy surveying room furniture and some wedding stuffs and do budgeting. One more thing, although we live apart, we both will search the same thing like survey wedding photos that we feel that is beautiful and special. We will discuss the photos as though that I am very pro. Then criticize people photo somemore. Hopefully our room turns out to be what we both like and comfortable. In fact, as long as is our room, a simple room is more than enough already.

Back to reality, all these need money. If keep everything too simple, I scare that I might regret in the future because wedding is once in your whole life. But money is still a big problem. Somemore, now is having economy crisis. I don’t know what will happen in the future. Will the economy recover in this few months? Will my hubby’s career stable and go higher? All question marks swirling in my head. In fact, I shouldn’t think too much. I always believe that GOD has his own planning. Same like I am posted to sabah and I see things differently and learn new things. Everything he arranges will take us to another better stage and path. It is depend on how we take it and accept it. Whatever thing happens, as long as we have hands and brain, nothing will beat us down. And whatever thing happen, I will support him and hopefully by this all turn positively and what I wish will come true. God bless us ok. Wish my hubby has a smooth career and everything turn out as what we wish.